My first baby is starting Kindergarten next week. On Tuesday. Every time I think about it, I get teary and have to do everything I can to not start bawling. And, for the record, I am not a crier. Unless a dog dies in a movie. That gets me every time. But I am not sure I am going to make it through the next week without an ugly cry.

I am not in any way ready for Lucas to start Kindergarten. Part of it is selfish. Most of it is instinct.

The selfish part of my wants to keep him home with me. Trust me, the boy drives me nuts and is a challenge at times. But for the first 4 years of his life, I worked. A lot. Litigation attorneys have long hours, and I missed a lot. Luckily his daddy was there to be with him for all the things I missed, but that doesn’t really make Mama Guilt any better. These last 8 months, being home (aka retired from being an attorney), I feel like I have gotten some time with Lucas (and Madeline) back. I really know my kids now. Like I have never been able to know them before And I love it. I neeeeeeded this. And I am not ready to give Lucas up to a stranger (who I have met and I think she will be great) for the majority of every single weekday. The good part of his day. When he is happy and eager to try new things.

The instinct part is strong. I know that Lucas is not ready for full day Kindergarten. He’s. Just. Not. Ready. He came SO far last school year because of his amazing Pre-K teachers and therapists. And another year of that structure would be perfect for him before starting full day Kindergarten. But that is not an option because if Lucas doesn’t start Kindergarten this year, he will lose his services. He will lose what he needs the most to be successful now and in the future – speech and occupational therapy. So because he is no longer “age eligible” for Pre-K (by one month), and is “age eligible” for Kindergarten (as one of, if not, the youngest in the class) he has to Kindergarten if we want him to continue getting his services, regardless of whether he is ready. This is a tough concept for a mama to swallow. It makes no sense. “You can just hold him back in Kindergarten if he isn’t successful.” Because that sounds like a really positive solution. I will stop there. That is another post, for another time.

And so, next week, my first baby starts full day Kindergarten. And I am going to do everything I can to help him be successful. I will be his new speech and occupational therapists’ new best friend. I will deal with the crazy, frustrated, worn out and exhausted boy that I know will come home each day because he will finally  be able to let his guard down and stop concentrating on everything going on around him. And I will try my hardest to do it with a smile on my face, at least most days.

The good news is that the boy couldn’t be more excited to start his new adventure as a Kindergartner (you know, it means he will be 5 soon), and he LOVES school. He loves people. All people.So come Tuesday, he won’t even look back and walk right in with a smile on his face! And me? Well, I will blink away the tears … and he will be graduating high school.

Here’s a few more from our first annual Back to School session!